


Stand Strong and Carry On

by Inrainbowz



Series: Family Life & Everyday Love [1]
Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Family Feels, Feels, Fights, Insecure Magnus is Insecure, M/M, Parenthood, Self-Doubt, but with a happy ending heh, really this is angsty af, resolved angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 10:07:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6466159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inrainbowz/pseuds/Inrainbowz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been weeks since they took Max in, and Magnus can't help it: he doubts, and doubts, and everything is falling apart.</p>
<p>Alec won't have any of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stand Strong and Carry On

**Author's Note:**

> So. I wanted to start a serie on the Lightwood-Bane family, but since I'm a horrible terrible person, I'll launch it with some ANGSTY SHIT. Thanks again to Night Changer for corrections, enjoy!

Magnus had always been very confident.

Well, not always. Of course in his four hundred years of living, and especially the first few centuries, there were probably times when had not been. But Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn, had never been anything but confident, in all things. 

His boyfriend was the one who got insecure. Who was unsure and hesitant. Oh, he had surely tarnished Magnus's perfect record of being perfectly sure of himself, with his earnest declaration and the rollercoaster of emotions he made him feel, but it was nothing compared to what he was going through right now.

Now their roles were completely reversed, and Magnus was lost. 

"I put him back to sleep" Alec said with a yawn when he came back to the bedroom. Magnus was sitting on the bed, waiting for him to return while twisting his hands and his thoughts.

"I'm sorry I had to wake you, I... He wouldn't stop crying."

"Come on, it's fine. I have ways you don't, I did take care of Isabelle when she was a child," Alec laughed. He got under the cover, oblivious to the pained look on his lover's face.

"Magnus?"

"Yeah, just a moment, I don't think I can fall back asleep just yet."

"Are you okay?"

Magnus thought of all the times he had asked the same question to the younger man, and resisted the urge to roll his eyes when he had so obviously lied in response that he was fine. He couldn't understand why Alec would do it, when he ought to know that he could tell Magnus anything and everything, that he would only want to make him feel better. Why lie?

"Of course, I'm fine."

He knew why. He didn't want to worry him. Didn't want to burden him with troubles he shouldn't even be dealing with in the first place, because it was stupid and wrong. But most importantly, he simply didn't want Alec to know. He was ashamed, and felt guilty and sad, and he was sure that Alec knowing would make it ten times worse.

So he watched him drift off to sleep while he stayed wide-awake, plagued by dark thoughts, unable to find peace.

 

 

"Magnus?" Alec called when he went back to the apartment the next afternoon. He didn't get an answer, so he just followed Max's crying all the way to the nursery. Magnus was pacing the room, the baby wailing in his arms. He seemed a bit desperate.

"There is a werewolf in the entry hall," said Alec when he entered the room. "He said you had an appointment?"

Magnus made a distressed noise.

"Shit, it's time already? I was trying to put him down for his nap but he's not being very cooperative."

"Give him to me, I'll handle him. I don't want to deal with a pissed off werewolf."

"You sure? You must be tired"

"Not that much."

He took Max in his arms with an awed smile. He couldn't hold it back, each and every time he saw his son he was overwhelmed by the realisation, that it was his son, his son he was raising with his perfect husband. It would never not feel amazing. 

He took the time to kiss Magnus hello. The warlock apologized again with a guilty look that Alec waved off and he sat on the couch under the window while Magnus went to handle his client.

 

 

It took almost an hour to get rid of the werewolf with the promise that the potion he was asking for would be ready the next week without fault. Max's crying had stopped almost as soon as he had left the nursery, but Alec hadn't come out, so he went to see what he was doing.

He came by a scene he saw quite often and always made his heart swell. Alec was fast asleep on the couch, having just shrugged off his jacket and gear which were laying on the floor. He was lying on his back, one arm behind his head, the other one resting lightly on Max's back who was sleeping on his stomach, drooling on Alec's shirt. 

Once again Magnus was overcome by a mixture of immense happiness and dreadful fear.

Alec adored Max. He spent all the time he could with him, almost all the time when he wasn't working. Seeing how the busy Shadowhunter life had made Robert and Maryse Lightwood interact very little with their children, Magnus had been under the impression that Shadowhunters in general weren't very present or affectionate parents. Was it Alec or his parents that were out of the norm, he didn't know, but the fact remained that Alec was as far as this model as he could get.  
He was simply so good with their son. It was all natural to him. He always knew what to do, what the baby needed, he never panicked. 

And Magnus? Magnus was completely lost.

Twenty years old and Alec had a better grasp on fatherhood than 400-year-old Magnus did.

Magnus stayed at the door of the nursery, just looking at Alec's calm breath making his chest and the baby on top of it rise and fall gently. Max was never still and peaceful like this with him. He was always squirming like he was uncomfortable and Magnus was always fumbling, not knowing how to hold him, if he was hurting him, if he was doing it right. Alec didn't have that kind of concern.

He knew he should wake Alec up, put Max into his crib and put his husband into bed too, because he would be stiff and sore if he stayed on the couch, but he couldn't. He was sure he would wake Max up, lacking his husband's ability to carry the baby around without disturbing him, and he would probably make him cry too. 

He felt completely helpless, and useless.

In the end he turned back and decided to do some cleaning and tidy up the apartment. He started dinner, restocked the fridge - Alec didn't like that he did it with magic, but he seemed to deliberately ignore that the fridge was always full without any of them ever going grocery shopping. Those were things he could do.  
He was stirring sauce into a pot, the sun setting behind the skyline of the city, when he heard soft footsteps coming from the nursery. Alec, sleep muffled and soft all over came into the kitchen with Max in his arms.

"Look Max, here is daddy" said Alec with a smile. He came to stand next to Magnus so that the warlock could drop a kiss to both their cheeks.

"Here, take him, I'll finish with dinner" he said, holding Max to him. Magnus felt very cold suddenly. He forced a smile on his face.

"Nah, it's good. I'm almost done anyway, you can keep him entertained, his bottle will be ready in a minute."

Alec frowned a little and settled Max back against his chest. The baby was looking at them with wide eyes, agitating his arms, occasionally crashing them against Alec's face.

A few minutes later Magnus brought the bottle to Alec, who was sitting on the couch and talking non-sense to their son. He handed the bottle over to him.

"Don't you want to feed him?" asked Alec cautiously.

"You got it. I still have our own dinner to look after!"

Magnus turned back with a wince. He could tell Alec was unconvinced. He couldn't let him know, he couldn't have him discover how reluctant and scared he actually was to take care of their baby, to hold him only to witness once again how much Max didn't like his company. Was it because the baby could sense his own discomfort, his doubts and clumsiness? Was he simply that bad at everything about taking care of an infant child?

Did Max somehow knew his other dad wasn’t a fan of children, something he had claimed all his life? Did he feel how unfit Magnus was for the task, how unworthy?

And the worst idea, which was always looming over him, plaguing his every thought and making him pull away from the child against his better judgment: did Max just dislike him, like so many others, as a demon's spawn?

He was back in the kitchen, cooking absentmindedly, lost in painful considerations. The more days passed the more he became convinced that Max was, if not scared, at least put off by his demonic father. It made sense - he had scared children in the past. They could sense this kind of thing, even warlock children, he was certain of it. He didn't know why he thought it would be any different just because it was supposedly his own kid. It wasn’t, really. He was Alec's son for sure, but Magnus was merely gravitating around them, too scared to get close, too scared to get away.

He wasn't a father.

"Magnus? What's that smell?"

He had thought that maybe those feelings would go away. That he would adjust with time. But it had been weeks now and things were only getting worse. Of course they were: he grew progressively more insecure and so dared less and less to approach the baby, which in turn made him even more insecure. He had battled demons, Downworlders and Nephilim for centuries, he had quite literally been through hell, and here he was now, helpless before something that came naturally to anybody else. 

He knew of very few occurrences of warlocks successfully and durably raising children.

Alec, barreling into the kitchen with a wailing Max in his arms, brought him back abruptly from his thoughts.

"Magnus!"

Refocusing, he saw why his husband was so panicked: the contents of the pot had caught fire while he was swimming in self-pity, a thick smoke slowly filling the room. He snapped out of his daze and quickly put the fire out with a snap of his fingers before clearing the air. He made the burning remains disappear all together, pot included. Then he turned back to face Alec.

He was rocking a scared Max in his arm, soothing him quietly, but his eyes were on Magnus, full of emotions he couldn’t quite make out.

"We need to talk," he said, and his voice was hard, uncompromising. Magnus nodded dumbly while Alec went to the nursery to put Max to sleep.

Dinner was ruined and it would take some time to calm Max down, so he ordered them Chinese takeout and sat on the couch. Half an hour later, it was Alec who opened the door to the deliveryman and set their food on the table. Magnus hadn't moved, staring forcefully at an invisible point on the floor, his hands white from squeezing them too hard.

"I'm sorry about what happened,” he quickly said as soon as Alec settled next to him. “I was... I wasn't paying attention."

Alec sighed. The food smelled amazing but neither of them made a move to start on it.

"What is happening Magnus? You've been acting weird all week, all month even. You seem perpetually out of it, unhappy, and now this? You're scaring me."

"I’m sorry,” he said lamely, as if that could do any good. “I..."

He paused. He didn't have anything more to say to that. He looked up at Alec and was shocked to find him on the brink of tears, sorrow deepening the lines of his face. 

"Do you..."

He took a deep breath, like he had a hard time saying his piece.

"Do you... regret? Taking... taking Max in?"

Magnus's eyes widened and he choked on his breath. He felt his blood turn into ice. Alec wasn't looking at him, couldn't seem to bare watching his reaction. 

Magnus wanted to say that no, it wasn't this, and dear hell is that what it looked like? Is that what Alec had been thinking? But he couldn't say it. He couldn't let a single word out of his mouth. Because... didn't he?

"That's... that's not... I...'

Didn't he? Didn't he think it was a bad idea after all? He loved Max with all his heart, as much as he loved Alec, and he loved watching them, father and son, but he was no part of it. It was a mistake on his part. He couldn't do it.

He thought he could see very clearly Alec's heart break, being stepped on and beaten savagely. The young man looked baffled, as if he couldn't quite process what was happening. 

"Okay...” he said, trying and failing to sound composed. “Okay."

He got up without another word and Magnus was powerless to stop him, to make him come back, to tell him that it wasn't like this, to explain. He couldn't because he didn't know himself, didn't know what he wanted to say, how he could possibly make things better. He had never despised himself as much as at this moment. Alec went to the nursery and closed the door behind him. Magnus stayed on the couch for hours, horrified, waiting to wake up from this nightmare. He couldn't go to bed knowing that Alec wouldn't join him. He was probably asleep on the couch next to their son. Magnus curled into a tight ball and closed his eyes, and when he fell into a restless sleep, his cheeks were wet with tears.

 

 

As strange as it seemed, his mind was a little clearer when he woke up the next morning. His body ached all over and his face felt disgusting, but he could at least somehow form more coherent thoughts.

Until the door of the nursery opened. 

Alec crossed the living room without looking in his direction. His face was pale, a stark contrast to the dark shadows under his eyes, and his shoulders were slumped, burdened by an invisible weight. He brought a bottle back from the kitchen and went back to the nursery without a word or a glance to Magnus.

Magnus could see it very clearly now. It was all falling apart. Alec would never forgive him for this. If it stayed like this, if he didn't say anything, then it was over. Alec would walk away with their son and he would be miserable and angry, and Magnus would be alone to rot in his own stupidity.

It wasn't going to happen. It couldn't. 

When Alec came out next time, supposedly to get ready to go to the Institute, Magnus jumped him.

"We need to talk. For real."

He was gripping his arm too tight. Alec looked terrible, lost and sad, and he took forever to reply. But finally he nodded, and they settled back on the couch, a terrible distance between them. They were usually all over each other as soon as they settled anywhere. Magnus took a deep breath. This was on him. This situation was his fault, he had to make things right. He had to.

But how hard it was.

"I don't... I don't regret, adopting Max with you. At least not... not the way you think I do."

He saw Alec open his mouth and cut him quickly.

"Please let me explain, let me... I should have said something earlier. I screwed up. But please hear me out. You can... you can yell and curse me all you want when I'm done but please, I... please."

Alec nodded again, his expression guarded but focused. He was listening.

"You're so good with him Alec and I... I'm not. I have no idea what I doing. I'm perpetually terrified, so much I can barely stand to hold him. And he... he doesn't like me. Doesn't trust me. I don’t trust myself either, I don't... I don't think I can do this. Who am I trying to fool? I'm a demon half-breed, I... I've never taken care of any children whatsoever. I'm... I..."

Was he crying? He didn't know. He felt completely numb, a bad taste in his mouth and a coldness spreading from the tip of his fingers. Alec was staring at him with something like shock, sorrow, regrets. Neither of them could say anything.

In the end, the emotion that won Alec over was anger.

"So is that it?"

His hostility surprised the warlock, who raised his head to meet his heated gaze.

"Are you giving up? That's it? Like... like it wasn't hard for everyone? For me? How can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you're not sure you can do it? To me, who's twenty years old and have been running to his mother twice a day for weeks to ask the dumbest question possible or simply freak out completely? Are you so immature to think that there is such a thing as being naturally a good parent, or not? Are you so arrogant that you believe it is yet again something you're supposed to excel at on your own or give up completely? Who told you you had to figure it out all on your own, that you had to, by some kind of miracle, know everything?"

Alec got up, too worked up to stay sitting. 

"And you didn't say anything. Obviously the best solution is to withdraw completely, making sure both your son and your husband start to believe that you simply stopped loving them, stopped caring. Do you honestly think I don't have my share of failure with Max, that I don't feel helpless and bad when I can do nothing to appease him? The difference is that I keep trying! I keep trying because what else is there to do Magnus? Is it because he's not really our own? What, it's not as smooth and intuitive as you thought it would be, it's not going to work after all, let's forget about the whole story? What do you think happens now, we put him back on the steps of the Academy because Magnus Bane doesn't think he can do it?"

He was screaming now, ignoring the tears of frustration that were crowding his eyes. Magnus had subconsciously cast a spell to soundproof the nursery. They had to get to the bottom of this without being interrupted. Not that Alec seemed like he was about to stop anytime soon, whatever happened.

"In case it has escaped your oh so mighty attention, Max is also my first child, and nothing, not the amount of care I gave my siblings or anything else, could have prepared me for having a kid of my own. But so what? He had no one else. Who knows what would have happened to him if we hadn't taken him in. We took the responsibility. It has nothing to do with us, but with him. How dare you... How dare you doubt yourself now? When he needs us and I need you more than ever, how can you be so... so weak?"

It was like a slap to the face. This was exactly what he had feared Alec would think, and at the same time, he had reasoned himself that Alec wasn't like that, that he wouldn't blame him.

But Alec looked like he hadn't sleep, or even relaxed, for days. Alec had the kind of philosophy that told him to keep going, no matter what. To stump your doubts, to carry on, because there was nothing else to do, there was no getting out, no solution. Magnus hadn't thought of what could happen, like Alec always did, always calculated, planned, organized. He had seen this problem, this wall, and he had sit at his foot and wondered how he could ever get past it. He had wondered and wondered, but hadn't actually done anything.

Magnus believed there was always a choice. And, well, there was, but sometimes it wasn't much of a choice at all. In theory, yeah, he had thought maybe it was a mistake, and maybe they should call it out. But in reality... had he thought that Alec would go through with it? Alec who never gave up on anyone, even his enemies? He didn't know what he expected, what he thought would happen. Didn’t know if he really entertained the idea of giving up on Max. 

He didn't want to know.

"Magnus."

He got up immediately, the distress and terror held in this simple breath tearing him apart worse than any of their previous words. Alec was shaking, tears falling freely now, on the edge of breaking down.

"Magnus... tell me you're not giving up. Please tell me you're... I'm scared too. Of course I'm scared, I'm terrified, and it's okay if you are, it's okay but... I can't do it alone. You can't leave me to do it alone Magnus, you can't... I can't do it without you. I need you, Magnus, I need you to..."

His voice broke and a loud sobbed tore its way out of his throat. 

Magnus wrapped him up in his arms. Alec clutched to him for dear life, sobbing ugly cries.

"I'm here”, Magnus murmured, I'm here Alec, I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm not going anywhere. I should have said something, I should... I don't know what I was thinking. Of course we're in this together. I just... I was just doubting myself, it blew out of proportion, it shouldn't have gotten so bad and I'm so, so sorry."

"We can do this. I'm sure we can. We're not alone, we don't have to be. But you can't shy away from this. You can't decide you're not up to it. Or if you do you... You have to make up your mind. Do it now, and never go back on it."

Alec had stood up to look at him, and despite his face, wet and swollen from crying, he looked more determined and intimidating than Magnus had ever seen him. An absurd thought crossed his mind: between Max and him, Alec would choose their son. Because he was their son, there was no turning back from this. The realization should have scared him but instead he felt relieved. Really, he didn't deserve this man.

"I'm with you, Alexander. On all things and until the end, I'm always with you. I am sorry for being so terrible about this. I am horribly ashamed right now, but I swear I'll make it up to you. To both of you."

"You better. I'm still mad. And we’ll talk about this. At lengths."

"I deserve that"

"Come on"

Alec took his hand firmly and dragged him to the nursery. Max had started to squirm and protest. Alec stood by the crib and the way he was looking at the baby, Magnus could never get over it. It was a love, an adoration so pure and complete, it felt more powerful than any magic he ever encountered, beyond any measure.

"Come on" Alec said again, and Magnus felt so stupid, picking Max up under his husband's watchful gaze, like a young cousin being authorized to hold the newest addition to the family for the first time. Max started to cry, and Magnus felt like crying too. He couldn’t deal with this desire, this absolute need to protect the boy from all harm, to have him safe and happy forever and then some, and this feeling of total loss when he realized that it was simply impossible to achieve. He gave a helpless look to Alec. He didn't know what to do. It was a mystery to him. Max was crying and he could do nothing.

"Stop being dramatic Magnus. He's just a baby."

"There's nothing 'just' about it. He's everything."

"Not quite. You are too. The two of you, the three of us. That's everything."

"Don't you want other children?"

Alec gave him a baffled look

"Yeah, you're right, I'm really in no place to ask that question right now."

Max was still crying loudly and Magnus was getting more and more distressed, but Alec stayed at a safe distance, arms crossed, waiting. Magnus knew it was stupid. He distinctly recalled some occurrences of babies crying for hours and hours despite all their guardian’s efforts. He still tried to have Alec take him, do something, work some magic.

"Magnus" Alec said, and his voice was firm but sad, resigned. "I won't always be there."

They stared at each other. Of course he wouldn't. He had a job to do, places to be. But there was something else. He wouldn't always be there. Not like Magnus.

Max wriggled and Magnus, distracted, temporally lost balance. He tightened his grip, letting blue sparks out of his fingers. That caught Max's attention. He went silent, eyes wide, expecting. Magnus wiggled sparkling fingers in front of his face, small fireworks dancing around them.

Max laughed.

The sound was unnervingly close to his cries, but no, it was unmistakable, a loud, strange laugh, a simple delight no adult could hope to achieve. Magnus kept producing small flames and lights since it seemed to be working and watched, enthralled, that small, helpless creature laugh without care, trusting him completely to guide him in life, to provide. The child had no idea of the inner turmoil and self-recrimination of his father. He could only laugh.

Magnus felt Alec come to stand behind him and put his arms around him taking hold of both his lover and their son, and they stared at that distressingly fragile being, laughing and bubbling, safe in their arms.

"This is our lives now" murmured Alec close to his ears, still watching Max. "So let's... let's do our best, okay? We've been through a lot. We’ll be fine."

Magnus nodded.

**Author's Note:**

> It will only get better from there. I don't know where this came from, I guess I just wanted to have them suffer a bit. This situation can't be easy. Also I have a THING for baby sleeping on top of their parents. Thank you for reading! I'm Inrainbowz on tumblr and you can prompt me on Malec because I'm not getting out of this ship anytime soon.


End file.
